It hurts. My scalp is so sore it
hurts to comb my hair. I am embarrassed about it and wonder if other
people notice my constant unconscious picking. [female, 34, 16 years
SIB, BS]Quote added in last update (19 January 01)
My kids are embarrassed by my scars, even though they have at best a vague idea that I caused them myself. (They're 9, 6 and 3.) I can't relax in public in short sleeves or bathing suit. My husband says every time I do it, I'm hurting him. I've lost a lot of time I could have spent constructively. I have to put so much effort into concealing the facts. It makes me feel closer in an emotional sense to death. When I'm not self-injuring, I want to stop self-injuring. Somehow the roots of the practice go down to shame and fear, and the shame and fear OF shame and fear. My heart goes out to all of you crying your silent tears. [female, age 39, 27 years SIB off and on, BA]
Awful scars, avoidance of certain events when I know that I won't be able to hide scars (changing in the locker room, etc.) Intimate relationships because of the scars. [female, age 34, 2.5 years SIB, teacher]
Fear of intimacy. Poor body image. Celibacy for over six years. I feel helpless and doomed into a solitary life of shame. [female, age 33, 23 years SIB, BA in human services]
...Feel ashamed and embarrassed at my erratic behavior once I come to my senses. Makes me withdraw and keeps me from social activities. [female, age 30, 15 years SIB, in college]
Feeling guilty that I can't tell someone so I can get some help. I don't want to keep doing this to myself. But I can't express my feelings like normal people. But then again what is normal? [female, age 21, 5 years SIB, college sophomore]
Losing friends -- I have one the rest are afraid of me. They think I'm psycho... oh well. No big loss; I don't like the people here anyway. [female, age 16, 1 year SIB, HS junior]
I am embarrassed to NOT wear lipstick, I am ashamed of the condition of my fingers, I don't like to show off my engagement ring, because I don't want people to see my fingers. I have told my fiance that I want help, I want to know why I do this, and I want to stop. It's absurd [female, age 23, 15 years SIB, 1 yr. of college]
I lost most of the feeling in my left hand. I have no control over my left pinky and ring finger. One of my worst episodes I cut the tendons to these fingers. But mostly just emotional distress. [male, age 26, 12 years SIB, AA degree]
I had to quit my job that I had worked at for three years after word got around about my hospitalization; I was treated like a piece of shit by most of the people there; they refused to speak to me, made up stories of how they had seen me cut my wrists open, told each new employee their rendition of my behavior, followed me around and told management whenever I went into any stockrooms. It got to the point that I would come home from work crying and angry and wanting to cut myself so bad that I could no longer stand it; I figured it was better to leave there alive then be dead when I left. [female, age 23, 17 years SIB, college student]
I tend not to go out with my friends. I always wear long sleeved tops so I don't really play sports. I have stopped going outside at break times at school; I go into the toilets and SI or make myself sick. [female, age 15, 1 year SIB]
It is a constant struggle to hide the scars and bruises. I cannot allow anyone to see them but it is very difficult. I can never wear a prom dress, swimming suit, or even a T-shirt . . . Because of the reactions of my friends and therapists, I have been conditioned to believe that SI is evil, and therefore I am evil. I am in a constant battle [between] what people tell me and what I feel. Because I feel that others think I am evil and that I hurt them when I hurt myself, I need to do it even more. [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS valedictorian]
It's basically ruined my life. It's killed all possibilities of me ever getting into a relationship with another. I wish I were not the way I am, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I have the scars, and they are clearly visible. They cover most of my body, and remind me every day of who I am. But it does not stop me from doing it again when I forget and leave myself in an unsafe place. This secret of mine, Id love to forget, but what will happen to me if I did not have it? I don't know. I started cutting when I was 9. At that time I did it to test myself on courage. It was to prove to myself that if the time came and it was time to end my life, I would not be afraid of the pain. But, it soothed me from the inner pain, and from then on became my last resort to end inner pain. [...] After all these years of injuring myself, I am sorry I ever started it. I don't like the constant reminders of what it was that caused me to do this. Seeing what I have done to myself hurts inside. Knowing that I still do it reminds me that this is who I am, and this is who I will be till the day I accidentally bleed to death. [female, age 30, 21 years SIB, college graduate]
It's embarrassing and it makes me feel ashamed of myself. At one point recently, I missed a month of three of my college courses because I was so utterly depressed and frustrated with my life situation. female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS honor graduate, college freshman]
I've lost friends and been seen as "the psycho". I missed a good chunk of my childhood as well. [female, age 13, 3 years SIB, middle school]
I've never been able to be in a loving home because people have feared my self-injurious behaviors. I've never allowed people to get close to me. [female, age 18, 10 years SIB]
Just the guilt and shame... but if I'm gonna feel guilt and shame I would rather at least have done something... rather than feel it because all the sick people in the world (or it seemed like all of them) felt like they had to abuse me... molest me... rape me.... Not all my scars are from me... am I trying to even the score? Maybe.... [female, age 22, 19 years SIB, 5 years college/high school honor student]
A loss of a good marriage was probably the biggest consequence I suffered. The hospitalizations were running us broke and I didn't want to take him down with me. We divorced, but at least have remained together. [female, age 38, 27 years SIB, some college]
[Consequences have been] extended family and friends finding out and dealing with their attitudes towards me. It seems that mostly people don't want to be educated to understand. They would rather sit in judgment in their ignorance. I don't always trust myself. Often my thoughts scare me. I feel like doing things that I know I don't really want to do. I don't have good coping skills. I don't know how to handle or control these thoughts, so they don't become acted upon. I "self talk", a lot. That doesn't always help. Sometimes, taking my usual meds helps. My arm looks horrible. I have thought of having some kind of Dermabrasion done to get rid of the scars when I was not cutting, but my psychiatrist advised against it. He said that if I were to start cutting again, on a 'clean slate', I would feel worse. These behaviors scare my family. I think it also embarrasses them that I am sick or not normal, especially because of the hospitalizations and stigma. This angers my husband severely. He would come to the hospital so my daughter could see me, and yell at me the whole time. If my therapist calls me in response to an emergency phone call, even if I haven't acted on anything yet, but didn't think I could control my thoughts, he gets really angry with me and treats me differently for weeks. This makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't ask for help. The overdosing tends to frustrate and anger my therapist to the point of where he threatens me with hospitalization. I don't feel this is always necessary. Sometimes I think he could help me by talking some sense into me over the phone. [female. Age 38, 13.5 years SIB]
[I felt] a deep anger and hate for a lot of people around me, because no one seemed to care or understand me, which caused me to become unpopular at school. But in a way it was good, because I found out who my real friends are. [female, age 17, 3 years SIB, HS senior]
I have many scars that I am afraid others will see. Because I've told others and they have treated me like an outcast, I find myself slowly pulling away from everyone. I feel afraid to let people into my life. [female, age 15, 2 years SIB, HS freshman with 3.9 GPA]
It upsets my boyfriend I think. Last time I self-injured it was in his presence. He appeared shocked as if he couldn't understand why someone would do that. We did not discuss the self-injury the next day in detail, but he did tell me that he would not stand idly by and watch me destroy myself, nor would he stay awake all night to ensure that I kept breathing all night. He did not directly tell me he would leave me, but he hinted strongly that he could not take further episodes. [female, age 27, 19 years SIB, 1 yr. college]
Lies to people I am not sure were believed. My daughter (16 years old) saw the ones that totally covered my arm by accident. I told her I could not explain but was not suicidal. The look in her eyes was definitely a negative for me. Sometimes afterwards I feel bad about myself because I did it and I feel that only seriously mentally ill people would do this. I isolate myself from friendships because I don't want to be close enough to anyone to have them notice all my "accidents." [female, age 39, 26 years off-and-on SIB, BS, same job for 15 years]
Lost a really good paying job. They thought I should go on temp disability. Temp my butt. [female, age 39, 12 years SIB, 12 years education]
Made me feel ashamed of myself, like there was something wrong with me for doing this. [female, age 42, 27 years SIB, college degree]
My husband has told me point blank that if I am ever hospitalized again for anything even medical, he will leave and make damn sure I never see my kids again. He has money, I do not. [female, age 35, 27 years SIB, HS graduate (top 10%)]
My parents screaming at me about it, my mother constantly being upset about it, having to wear long sleeves all the time, people not talking to me, people giving me strange looks sometimes and making comments like, "Oh, I'm sad, so I'm just going to go cut a big hole in my arm!!" One time my mom was yelling at my brother about something, and he said to her "well at least I don't burn holes in my hand!!" [female, age 16, 4 years SIB, HS junior taking college classes]
My stress related shoulder, neck and back pain is back. I stopped seeing my physiotherapist because I didn't want her to see the marks or be aware of the frequency of fresh ones. I hate lying to my parents, they have been so good to me and I don't want to hurt them, but either way I am. [female, age 23, 5 years SIB (some at age 8, though), four years of college]
Part of negative consequences that led to losing registered nursing license. [female, SIB since age 26, AA in nursing]
People don't like it. It scares them away. [female, age 21, 14 years SIB, 2 years of college]
People don't want to know why. It affects relationships quite badly, especially if you can't or won't talk to your partner. It creates confusion and a desire to assist from some people who you simply don't want to assist you. What you want is support, not a lecture [female, age 36, 10 years SIB]
People pick on me about it and I feel even more alienated. [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]
Permanent damage to nerves (my doctor calls it "phantom pain"), visible scars. I have to be over-cautious at work. I lost friends. I lost a relationship. Medical expenses. [female, age 28, 10 years SIB, Master's degree]
SI has made it even more difficult to deal with self-confidence. We do not use SI as a means of attempted suicide but most people feel that is what it is. [female, age 46]
The clothing I can wear. Trying to answer questions I don't feel comfortable with. My husband can't stand this part of me. [female, age 37, 23 years SIB, graduate student]
The scars are awful to look at. I can't wear sleeveless tops or go swimming. When it's hot I take my T-shirt off and have to be very careful in case someone comes in and sees my arms. [female (bi who dresses as a man), age 19, 5 years SIB, first-year university student]
Well everyone in my small town I live in thinks I am nuts. Self-mutilation is a mystery to those who do not understand the hurt mentally some of us go through daily. But the biggest disappointment for me was and is having to see the sadness in my mothers eyes, she also feels hopeless when I hurt myself. If it were not for my mother I would not care who hurt emotionally from my behaviors. [female, age 22, 2 years SIB, 3 years college]
When people discover what it really is, they get mad at me. I can't control what I do. It has become such a coping skill for me that I don't know any other way of dealing with things. Other people just make me feel worse about myself. [female, age 17, 7 years SIB, HS senior]
Tell your story by filling out the questionnaire.
