i don't make decisions very often. i let other people decide for me, or choose a random situation. "if i beat the computer in this hearts game, then things will turn out as i want." "if he brings me a diet pepsi without me saying anything, it'll be a sign he still loves me."
this sounds like simple evidence-gathering, but it's more like a series of cosmic agreements, as if some force arranges random events and will unrandomize them in meaningful ways if i agree to the meanings beforehand. it's not "if he really loved me he'd bring me a diet pepsi" but "if he somehow figures out that i really want a diet pepsi right now, it'll be a sign that he loves me."
i think a lot of this comes from having lived so long in a place where what was given could be snatched back at any instant, no warning. memories of standing in the garage watching a hammer come down on the watch i'd been given on my sixteenth christmas (i'd been late for the 7.30 pm curfew). voicing desires means people have an opening to cause you pain, to disagree, to be angry with you for wanting too much or asking too much. letting people give you things means they can take them back. trusting people means they can fuck you over, or beat you, or abandon you, or leave you standing alone on a tuesday night looking out your window into dark wondering why he's not coming when he said he would.
safer to keep the walls up, to let other people make all the decisions so you don't offend, don't overreach, and don't get blamed if things go wrong. better to give people things instead of taking (unless you're taking intangibles, things that can't be taken back). better to stay inside yourself and only come out when you're sure it's safe, when no one really knows who you are, when you can be a voice on the phone, letters on a screen, not-real.
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sine | deb
if only it weren't so fucking lonely that way.