weird to feel this way, since external feedback has such a major role in my life, but there are days like today when people are just too tiring. it seems like so many of them are just pulling at me, like i'm made of playdoh and they're tearing off little bits and they won't stop and there's not going to be any me left for me when they finish. or they come to me and have ideas about how i will respond, what i will say, and i know there's no way in hell i can live up to them so i pretend as long as i can, i squeeze myself against the edges of their cookie cutters, pour my soul into their jell-o molds and wait for it to set.
maybe i just need some fruit cocktail.
maybe i just need a vacation. but what happens when they take away the mold and i spring back into my normal shape? that's the scary thing.
everybody seems to want a relationship. i'm not sure i do. it's not a shortage of men -- there was the blind date last week, a guy at work i'd like to get to know, another guy at work who's asked me out. and there was the guy new year's eve. but none of these people are particularly compelling. the date was incredibly dull, i'm not trying to get to know the first guy at work, i haven't set up anything definite with the other one, i'm glad chris lives in another state.
maybe i've devoted so much of my energy to some stuff i'm writing for myself that i don't have what i'd need to start a relationship. maybe i'm just being self-centered, unwilling to make room in my life for anyone.
the problem with pushing everyone away and retreating into a quiet space where it's just me and words is that sometimes i need to come out and breathe and if i've pissed everyone who knows me off, i'll be lonely when i surface. why can't they just understand this instinctively? why do i have to feel so damned guilty for neglecting them?
bleah.
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sine | deb
not on at all today. too gray.