i think it's a measure of our relationship that, when i told him this news, he said, "guess that blows your theory that stress was causing them."
i really wanted it to be real, really wanted it to work, stuffed down uneasy doubts about how anyone 21 years old with only one relationship in his past could be mature enough, settled enough, to make something long-term work. i loved him, he loved me -- so what if sometimes i winced at things he said or did? and as time went on i winced less often and things i hadn't liked much at first got better and i was happy, except for the way something minor could turn into an "okay-let's-break-up" issue. inretrospect, maybe he was looking for a way out from the beginning.
not because he didn't love me. he said that, and i believed it then and now. but he is a person who insists on very solid boundaries and i am a person who has a nasty tendency to be dependent. i've lost ground in this area in the last six months, even. he wasn't comfortable being vulnerable to me, and i wanted more than he was willing to give.
still, it was the sort of thing that could be fixed. only i don't know that either of us wanted to fix it. i think that, in spite of the love and the closeness, he needed again to be the cat who walked by himself. autonomy, absolute, no having to account for anything to anyone. i seem to attract this type. then i drive them up the walls.
so it wasn't his bad or my bad. it was more of an our bad. and i went through the reflexive "you can't mean this god we had so much how can you throw it all away" noises. but that's over now. i don't want to slide into dependency again (and maybe now that i have a clearer focus on the problem, my shrink and i can figure out how i can not do that next time), i don't want to be confined, i don't want headaches every day. i miss him terribly, miss the warmth and the sex and the safe belongingness and the magic. but the price was too high, for both of us.
i thought for a while that if i could figure my shit out and he could grow up, stop being perfect, stop being right, stop worrying... i dunno. the connection was amazing, and vestiges of it linger. and i'm always afraid that i'll never find this again. and i needed something to get me through the first weeks of this. but he adamantly sees all communication attempts by me as manipulative, and he steadfastly refuses to allow me the friend-space he says he wants me to be in. that's his privilege. i said i don't know the future, maybe someday (knowing full well that if i got to a someday i wouldn't be the same person or want the same things). he said no way, never again. his privilege. sometimes the price of fucking up is painfully high, but we all have to deal with the consequences we choose.
so i'm getting over it, but sometimes at 3 am i miss the smell of his sweat and the feel of him in me and drifting off to sleep next to him. withdrawal pangs.
something.
--
sine | deb
"what a beautiful moment, the truth comes out at last. once your
heart would hold me forever, then this passed" -- matthew sweet